his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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