how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
