I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize