We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
