sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
