Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
