I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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