You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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