I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i barfeds in our rink
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize