I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please come you make the beer taste better
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
