So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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