Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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