Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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