i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
