Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
