Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
