Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize