He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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