I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
