So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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