I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
