I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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