i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize