Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
