I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
