just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
