My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
