I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
