i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
