apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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