it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
