Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
