I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize