I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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