I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
