I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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