I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
