the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
