According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
