The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
