Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
