Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
