I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
