dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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