I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
