there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
