How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
