god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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