threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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