I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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