Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
