Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
