This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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