I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
