East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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