he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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