You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
