He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Actions speak louder than pants.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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