also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she smelled like a LAN party
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
