Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
