I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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