where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
