there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
